When There is Desire Discrepancy in Your Relationship

Partnered relationships oftentimes struggle with having matching sexual desires. This just means one of you would like sex more often than the other & in fact, the other may not want sex at all. 

You may be reading this and thinking, ‘that’s us!’ and I applaud you for realizing your relationship can afford such a beautiful change. I would encourage you to approach this with curiosity rather than shame & frustration. You’ll be a lot better for it. 

One major component of working towards closer sexual desires is to understand the conflict and avoidance that is taking place. It’s imperative that you do not view your partner as sex-craved or selfish because you don’t crave sexual contact. Being in this cycle does not return results in your relationship that you’re seeking. Instead it creates blame and resentment. So we would encourage you to excavate your own feelings towards sex as a first step.

Need help getting started? Try something like this…

‘I know it is so hard for you not to have weekly sex with me – I understand that leaves you feeling rejected and unloved. I want to solve this problem together. Can we work to mend what’s happening here?’

As you begin navigating the healing process, we would also encourage you to sort through all the key roots regarding your desire discrepancies.  

Biological – How is your overall physical health? What is happening in your body that might influence your sexual desire? Are you on any medications that could alter your sexual desire?

Psychological – What’s your state of mind like? Do you have any depression or anxiety? What is your stress level like? How busy are you? We believe our brain is the largest sex organ & it’s imperative to learn what’s happening ‘up there’!

Social/Cultural – How does your culture tell you you should feel about sex? What messages did you internalize as a youth? What did your family tell you about sex? How about your religion?

Relational – What other problems are you having in your relationship that might contribute to your sexual struggles, both emotionally and sexually? Another big thing is how does your partner treat you regarding this issue? I am seeing that the partner will berate the person for their low sexual desire and it makes you understand WHY the partner wouldn’t want to have sex. 

If you continue to struggle with desire discrepancy, you may consider therapy to help your relationship mend this rift. Somatic therapy does a superb job of helping you sort through what is happening in your body when it comes to sex with your partner.